I love the way Doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe most 3 point sermons: “God is good. You’re bad. Stop it.” Pastors often have the right idea, but they present it with very little understanding of the issue or practical help to effect a change. I’ve heard it in my church when a pastor said if you’re involved in pornography, you just need to stop.

As a guy who has had a problem with pornography, I can tell you that that approach doesn’t work. Most people who engage in destructive behaviors do not need to be told that their behavior is wrong, or that they need to stop. They’re usually aware that they shouldn’t be doing it, and the guilt and shame that is piled on by telling them is not only unhelpful, it actually fuels the continuation of the action. Feeling shame drives addicts back to the very behaviors that bring them solace—the same actions that are destructive. It’s a vicious cycle.

Why do churches do it? In part because it is far easier to command specific actions (appearances) than it is to try to understand them and the reason behind them. It’s far easier to quote a Biblical mandate for a behavior that can be observed (or assumed in many cases) and condemn the shortcoming than to dig into why it’s happening to uncover real opportunities and directions for healing. Unfortunately, people are very good at temporarily stopping the destructive actions with sheer willpower, making it look like they’ve kicked it, but without real understanding and solutions that deal with the underlying issue, the behaviors surface again. Condemnation merely drives the behavior into hiding.

The more I dig into this, the more I am convinced that all destructive behaviors—pornography, theft, cheating, gossip, abuse and more—are bastardized attempts to meet real, legitimate needs. Pornography is an attempt at intimacy; theft is seeking to meet physical needs or bring justice against oppressors (real or perceived); cheating reveals a deficiency in getting physical or emotional needs met. Granted, these are limited and generalized analyses of issues, but that’s also the point: All of these behaviors are symptoms of those complex motivations and can’t be stopped or healed by merely commanding a different behavior. The underlying need wins every time.

It gets worse. Often the church fails to recognize real needs—especially emotional ones—and classifies those who seek to meet them as selfish. They tell us Jesus is all you need, which is true, but even they, when pressed, would recognize that Jesus doesn’t supernaturally provide food every day. Sure, he did it a few times in the Bible, but it wasn’t the norm. Why, then, do they assume that other legitimate physical and emotional needs would be different? Is it selfish to eat food when you’re hungry? Obviously not. Then why is it selfish to take time away from serving when you’re exhausted? Even when faced with so much burnout in the church, why do we still not recognize that there are limits to how much a person can give without getting replenished?

The church often has little understanding of or compassion for emotional issues and needs. Most emotional needs are not addressed directly in the Bible, so they’re written off by pastors, but they’re still just as legitimate. The need for shelter and safety are not directly addressed, but can be assumed. People were obviously meeting those needs in the Bible. Yet the church has been quick to shut down the addressing of emotional needs as “psychobabble” because it’s not “Biblical”.

My first wife had little ability to bond with me and couldn’t accept me—the authentic me—which is why I was trying to meet my need for connection with pornography. As I learned about my needs and began fulfilling them in healthy ways, that desire diminished. When I got my need for authenticity and deep bonding met with my second wife, the pull of pornography vanished. I found a way to meet my real need and no longer had a desire for the bastardized way I was attempting to meet it before. It’s like I went from drinking salt water, which just increased my thirst, to drinking fresh water, which satisfied my thirst.

They tell us Jesus is all you need but leave out the practical application where we connect authentically with the people who represent Jesus on Earth to get those needs met. I’m not talking about a Bible Study where a group of people come together to appear spiritual and share the ways they already conquered some of their demons, all the while concealing the ones they’re still battling. I’m talking about creating a space where we can feel safe in sharing the deepest, darkest issues we struggle with and have no fear that we will be judged, ostracized, gossiped about, or reported to the pastor. Real healing happens when we stop pretending everything is good and start sharing our struggles in an environment where we experience genuine love and acceptance for our authentic self.

John 1:14 tells us that Jesus came to earth full of grace and truth, in that order. I don’t think it’s trivial that John lists grace first. It’s like that old saying: “No one cares what you know until they know that you care.” Grace creates an environment where truth can be accepted. It’s no longer seen as judgmental or condemning when the one sharing feels safe with people who genuinely care. Often, confrontation with truth is not even needed when grace is applied. Being able to pour out what’s boiling inside without fear of condemnation or repercussion takes the secrecy, and therefore the power out of the addiction and starts the healing process.

While I can’t prove it, I would bet everything I own that the people in the New Testament church had that kind of connection. They met in homes, shared meals, and were part of a small community that shared each other’s needs. It’s hard to hide your issues in that environment. Compare that with today where we present only our best selves through social media accounts, see our church family once or twice a week, and can easily hide the destructive ways we are attempting to meet needs. A byproduct of focusing on outward actions is that people learn to hide the ugly stuff to avoid being condemned.

What’s the solution? If enough of us in the church get to a place emotionally where we can share authentically in a small group and open that door for others to be as vulnerable, it will spread like wildfire. I witnessed it in a group I joined. The leader and I had both experienced enough healing that we were able to talk openly about issues and share authentically without shame. It took a while, but as others opened up and experienced grace, you could feel the excitement of the experience. These people were thirsty to be in that kind of environment.

Here’s the other huge benefit: When our needs are being met, then we have more resources to pour out on others. You can’t give something you don’t have. If you want people to minister effectively, help them meet their needs, rather than calling them selfish and burning them out. They’ll become healthier, and will have more to give to others in need. They’ll become an endless supply of energy and service. You can’t change the fruit if you don’t address the root. If we want to be effective at helping people live  healthier lives, we have to be willing to get past the surface issues and dig deep with them. We have to stop merely judging outward actions when we are not willing to build a relationship with them and provide an environment for them where they can be real. The outward actions will follow.